


Wide Awake But Comatose

by Sarcastic_Soulmate



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Blood, Domestic Violence, F/M, Fear, Hiding, Running Away, mentions of events in fight or flight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 14:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30124218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarcastic_Soulmate/pseuds/Sarcastic_Soulmate
Summary: Maddie's struggles in her relationship with Doug before and after she left. Based on the song Head In Her Heart by Nico Collins.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Doug Kendall
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2
Collections: Sarcastic Soulmate's Song Fics





	Wide Awake But Comatose

**Author's Note:**

> tw // domestic violence
> 
> It's not horribly graphic but I guess it kinda is, so be warned.

_She has her head in her heart in a broken body_   
_Never wrong but she always says sorry_   
_Takes the pain and throws away her pride_   
_For a man with a hole in the middle of his chest_   
_Promising herself that she'll only see the best_   
_So she stays and gives away her life_

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Maddie says, blood dripping down her face.

"Yeah, well, you better be," Doug replies before his hand goes up to rest on her cheek.

She instinctively flinches at the contact, and he pulls away, yanking her hair.

"That'll teach you not to flirt with other guys."

"I wasn't flirting! I—"

Her defense gets interrupted by a swift punch in the stomach. Doug grabs Maddie's hair and slams her into the wall, Maddie screaming in pain.

"Don't argue with me," he says angrily, grabbing her arm and whirling her around to face him.

He lifts a finger to trace along Maddie's jaw, his voice lowering to a little more than a whisper, "I love you."

It's incredible how many things Maddie thinks in that moment. Those words don't make her heart skip a beat anymore, and she doesn't want to say them back, but she doesn't have a choice.

"I love you too."

//

_Paint over the walls now_   
_Even though they're only gonna fall down_   
_Every night it's just a fight_   
_No end, no end_   
_But she swears it's gonna work out_   
_Even when the screams are getting so loud_   
_Trying to find the missing light_   
_Again, and again_

Maddie pastes a neutral expression on her face before opening the door.

"Hello, I'm Officer Diaz. I got a call here about a domestic dispute."

Maddie immediately feels her heartbeat quicken and her palms begin to sweat, wanting more than anything to let this cop save her and take her far away from this place. But she can't. It's not possible.

The fights are daily and endless now, and Maddie's seen her share of concerned neighbors and police officers knocking on her door. She can handle this.

"Everything's fine here," she stammers, resisting the urge to break eye contact with her, and suddenly feeling _very_ glad that her long sleeves cover the bruises decorating her arms.

"Are you sure?" She asks, not quite believing her.

"Yeah," she breathes.

The cop, still not believing Maddie's story, hands her a paper to sign her name on. She takes it quickly, having been through this countless times. The officer raises her eyebrow at Maddie's haste, probably picking up on how familiar the situation is for her.

The woman gives her a polite smile as she hands the clipboard back and walks off toward her police car. Maddie closes the door, sighing in a twisted form of relief.

"Did it go okay?" Doug asks her, his hand gripping her arm and making her wince both from his touch and his fingers pressing into the fairly new cuts and bruises.

"Yeah, she just left."

His hand suddenly tightens on her arm. "She didn't say anything to you?"

Maddie shakes her head quickly.

"Don't leave me," he says pleadingly, "I love you. I can't live without you."

Funny, she can't live _with_ him at this rate.

"I'm not leaving you," she says softly.

"Good," he replies, releasing his grip on her arm and walking away toward the living room.

The tears run down Maddie's face the moment he leaves, quickly running off in the opposite direction toward the bathroom.

God, how long will it be this way?

When did a relationship that started with kisses and hugs and love bites turn into blood and screams and fighting?

This is just one of the tough parts of marriage. She just needs to stick it out, and it'll all work out later. There's a light at the end of the tunnel for them. There has to be.

//

_Cause it's easier to keep_   
_Holding onto something sweet_   
_In her mind the more he lies_   
_She justifies, but why?_

If you asked Maddie, she wouldn't be able to tell you the exact moment that Doug's love turned deadly.

Maybe it was always that way and she was too young and naive to see it. Maybe his entire plan was to manipulate her and have her so wrapped around his finger that she thought she needed him, but in reality, he needed her.

What she knows is that she started noticing red flags years ago, but brushed them off because she didn't want to see the problems.

She does the cooking and the cleaning, even after a 24-hour shift, but that's not good enough for him. She supports him when he's down, and still, that's not good enough. She's loyal to him, and that's still, you guessed it, not good enough for him.

There's a word for it. Hell. Absolute hell.

Her stomach drops with guilt when she remembers her judgement toward the women that used to come into the ER with injuries that they, so unconvincingly, claimed were their own clumsy accidents, even when the stories were so far-fetched and Maddie could clearly see the handprints that riddled those women's bodies.

She couldn't help but draw the parallels between those women and herself, but always tried to convince herself that it was different. Their lives were different, and their spouses were different.

It's not the same. _It's not the same._

Those words would repeat in her mind over and over like a mantra, and countless times Maddie found herself mumbling or mouthing them as she did her work.

Until one night in particular just a few days ago when she was working a night shift and a young woman was checked in.

There was a large gash on her head and pieces of glass embedded into her skin, and her arms were scratched and decorated with bruises. She's seen this kind of case before, and sadly, it wasn't too unusual. This time, however, when the woman sat down for her to treat the wounds, she glanced at her too quickly and almost fainted at what she saw.

For that fraction of a second, she saw herself sitting there, doubled over in pain, embarrassed and upset and wanting to die.

You could say it was because they looked a little alike. She had brown hair, brown eyes, and a pale complexion, but still, it pushed her into a period of self-reflection.

"What happened?" Maddie had asked her.

"I, uh, fell," the woman, Kathy, stammers.

They looked into each other's eyes for a few moments, both knowing the weight of what had been said. Maddie didn't believe Kathy, and she knew it.

"Okay, let's take care of that nasty cut on your head," Maddie smiles warmly at her, and Kathy smiles in return.

Maybe their situations weren't so different after all.

Maybe Kathy was just like her, holding onto the memories, the past, when things used to be sweeter, where there was laughter and joy instead of screams of pain.

Maybe they were both asking themselves how a relationship that started off so promising soon turned into screaming and pain and hiding in closets and jealousy and threats and broken ribs and broken hearts?

She touches the new bruise on her arm, the one she told anyone who asked was a bad bump from tripping on the stairs, but she knows the truth.

But maybe, if she keeps holding on, it will turn out okay.

She starts to believe that less and less with each passing day.

How long can she keep holding on?

//

_Cigarettes on the steps_   
_Walking outside just to catch her breath_   
_He’s right where she wants him, there in her bed_   
_Searching for something that’s already dead_

Maddie peels Doug's arm off of her stomach, tentatively stepping out of bed with a nervous grimace on her face. She holds back a breath of relief when he doesn't stir.

Tiptoeing out of the bedroom, she grabs a blanket from off the couch, pulling it tightly around her as she quietly opens the front door.

She sits down on the front porch steps, her hand going up to lightly brush against the gash on her forehead.

Earlier that day, she had decided that she was going to leave, but now, she's not so sure. Not about leaving him, she's sure she wants to do that, but she can't help but question how it's even possible.

Maddie pulls the Christmas card out of the pocket of her pajama pants, her finger affectionately tracing her brother's smiling face. She stares at the picture for what feels like hours, the familiar blue of Evan's eyes giving her hope. Turning it over, she studies the address, hoping that her brother won't be bothered by her sudden visit.

She would need a lot of things before she leaves. Money, clothes, a secret hideout for her preparations, and God knows what else.

She's spent too many years trying to be perfect, to revive something that's been long dead. Too many times she's questioned whether it was ever really alive.

He's right where she wants him; in bed, far away from her. She clutches the blanket closer, both from the cold of midnight and the thought that Doug will be less than pleased if he finds out she's decided to leave.

She has some suitcases in the closet that Doug wouldn't notice were missing. She'd get everything prepared and hide it, and then leave while he's on a 24-hour shift so she'd have a head start.

Yeah, she can do this.

//

_Oh, she’s losing herself_   
_Slowly she turns into somebody else_   
_Finding her worth through a love made in hell_   
_Playing the cards she’s been dealt_   
_No matter the price she wears it well_

Loading her suitcases into the car, Maddie brushes the back of her hand against her sweaty forehead. Doug's on a shift at the moment, just as she'd planned. She'd have a few hours worth of a head start. Maddie only wishes it was longer.

The longer she stays, the more dangerous he is and the more she loses herself, however, leaving will only make it worse. The contradiction boggles her mind before she realizes she has more important things to do than to endlessly wonder if this is really the safest thing to do, because it isn't. Not by a long shot.

She buckles herself into the driver's seat of her car, gripping the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white, turning around to look at the house one more time.

"Goodbye," she whispers before driving off into the unknown.

//

_Is this really what she chose?_   
_Wide awake but comatose_   
_In his mind the more she dies, he feels alive_   
_But why?_

Maddie takes a breath, her eyes closing for a moment as she lays in the blood-covered snow next to her dying husband.

Her eyes close for a minute, memories flooding back into her mind. She remembers how Doug relished seeing her in pain, betraying his constant obsessive uttering of how much he loves her. The more pain he inflicts upon her, the more accomplished he felt, it seemed.

Her marriage is full of memories of her submitting, of admitting defeat. After all the hassle of running away, hiding, installing Fort Knox levels of security, reuniting with her brother, and dealing with her increasing feelings for Chimney, does she really want to die right next to Doug?

"No," she says, lifting herself up. She's almost certain Doug's still alive and watching, and she doesn't know how to feel about that.

Her hand goes to support her side where he stabbed her, and she stumbles over some rocks.

Droplets of blood fall from her body and onto the snow, staining it. She can't help but think about how just a few hours before, she was about to start a new chapter of her life with somebody new before Doug threw a wrench in her plans. Funny how the past always seems to have a way of catching up with the present and delaying the future.

At that moment, a figure appears in her line of vision. It's blurry, but it gets less so as it rapidly gets closer and closer to her, before it starts to yell in a very familiar voice.

"Maddie!"

"Buck?"

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this fic! :)


End file.
